Moving Beyond Punishment in Parenting

Recently I’ve been watching the YouTube channel Fenrir Canine Training. I love this trainer’s approach, which is almost entirely based on positive reinforcement and building trust and engagement with the dog. The trainer’s argument against punishing your dog is that the only thing it does is teach the dog to be scared of you.

That makes a lot of sense to me, and I regret that we didn’t fully take this approach when training our own dog (a rescue with a nervous temperament). We deferred to professional dog trainers and assumed they knew better, but some of the techniques they used and recommended we use (like a shock collar) didn’t feel right, and we quickly abandoned them.

The more I think about punishment, the more I believe it doesn’t have any place in any relationship in which you are trying to build trust and engagement. Punishing someone makes sense in the context of a combat sports grudge match (or chess match, for the matter). Punishment is appropriate to dole out to your enemies and adversaries, but not your dog or your kids.

My wife and I have used punishments very little as parents, but going forward, we’re committing 100% to non-punitive parenting methods. No grounding, no taking away screen privileges, no yelling or raging. Our daughter just turned 13, and it feels like a good time to update our parenting philosophy.

Why no punishment?

• It stresses the relationship. I don’t mind if my kid is mad at me, but punishment is an escalation that can turn into family war. I’m just not interested.
• I don’t want my kid to be scared of me or feel that she has to hide things from me.
• When she becomes an adult and moves out and is in charge of her own life, I want to have a positive relationship with her.
• Applying escalating punishments can quickly lead to a situation where you’ve taken all your kid’s privileges away, and they’re still rebelling or behaving badly. That’s a situation I never want to be in.

So What’s the Alternative?

There are some things that I’m going to provide unconditionally to my child, as all parents should to the best of their ability: love, nutritious food, shelter, clothing, education, medical care, time with their friends and extended family.

But that doesn’t mean my kid gets everything she wants. I’m happy to make my kid work for much of what she wants: special foods, sleepovers with friends, getting dropped off in the car instead of walking, etc. Making some rewards conditional gives me plenty of leverage as a parent. You want this thing? Clean your room and finish your homework.

Even if the same privilege is in question, it’s an entirely different psychological dynamic to provide the privilege as a reward for good behavior, as opposed to taking it away for bad behavior. The former teaches kids to work for what they want. The latter teaches them that they’re not in control of their life, and that their parents are adversaries.

When my daughter is struggling or makes bad choices, there is usually a reason for it. Stress, peer pressure, lack of knowledge, etc. I want to engage with her and try to help her solve the problem. And/or provide emotional support.

Engagement and positive reinforcement, period. That’s the only thing that has ever worked, anyway. For both my kid and my dog.