Recently I submitted some beats to Timbaland. He’s been reacting to beats live on his Twitch stream. Anyone can submit. I picked a few Momu tracks that my friend Mark and I have been working on and submitted them via the app. I knew chances were slim that he would like any of them. It took weeks for Timbaland to get to our tracks. But he finally listened.

And yeah, he didn’t like them.

But I don’t regret submitting the tracks. Rejection doesn’t feel great, but it’s a minor discomfort that every creator needs to learn how to handle. Just as you can’t get stronger without the temporary discomfort of physical effort, you can’t make progress as an artist without the temporary discomfort of rejection.

Same goes for finding a romantic partner, a job, etc. Rejection is a part of life.

There will always be voices in your head telling you that you aren’t good enough, that you aren’t ready, that the circumstances aren’t right. And those voices might be be correct! It’s possible that you aren’t good enough, that you aren’t ready, and that the circumstances don’t favor you.

But most of the time, you should ignore those voices and just go for it. Here’s why:

  1. You can’t get better without feedback, and you can’t receive feedback unless you put yourself (and/or your work) out there.
  2. Those internal voices might be wrong. Maybe you are ready. Maybe your work is good enough. Maybe you’ve misjudged the people making decisions, and they value what you think is weird/off/not right about you or your work. As Wayne Gretzky said, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
  3. Getting over rejection is one of those temporary pains that actually can make you stronger, depending on how you process it. Learning how to accept rejection without internalizing it or taking it as permanent is a critical emotional skill for any adult. And you can’t learn that skill without practice.

Are there exceptions, times you should not go for it? Of course.

  1. When there are clear signals from the decision maker that they are looking for something else. If a publication is specifically looking for African American authors, and you’re white, then respect that. If a person’s declared sexual orientation doesn’t match your gender, don’t hit on them. If someone obviously wants to be left alone, then leave them alone.
  2. If there are clear steps you can take to improve your work (or some aspect of yourself) that will improve your chances. Then of course, do the work. But don’t endlessly self-reject while you chase perfection. Perfection doesn’t exist, at least in an objective sense.

How to Handle Rejection

It’s easier to not self-reject if you know how to handle rejection from others. So how should you react to rejection?

  1. Accept rejection at face value, but also as temporary (unless the gatekeeper indicates otherwise). Never attack the gatekeeper.
  2. Don’t expect explicit feedback. Giving useful feedback requires significant effort, and is rarely rewarded. The rejection IS the feedback. You’re probably smart enough to figure it out the why on your own.
  3. If feedback is offered, say thank you, and mean it. Never argue with feedback, even if you don’t agree with it. Try to gain some value out of whatever feedback is offered (unless it’s unnecessarily cruel — then just ignore it).
  4. Never take rejection personally, even if it takes the form of a personal attack or insult. Water off a duck’s back, and get back to work on the next improvement or opportunity.

The Inequality of Self-Rejection

Some people are more prone to self-rejection than others, for good reason.

  1. If you look around and see people like you doing a job, it will be easier to not self-reject. That’s why role models and representation are important.
  2. If you’ve taken rejection personally in the past, you’ll be more prone to self reject in the future. It will take more effort to unlearn the habit, but it will be worth it.
  3. If you have an underminer in your life who is threatened by your growing power, they may encourage you to self-reject. This could even be someone who you might consider a mentor. It’s important to recognize when to expand and progress, even if that means leaving someone behind.

As a straight Caucasian male from the United States, it’s been relatively easier for me to learn how to avoid self-rejection. For almost everything I’ve wanted to do in my life, I could always look around and see people in those roles who I could identify with in one or more ways. By contrast, I can only imagine what it must have been like for Octavia Butler to submit science fiction stories in the seventies.

But even as a white guy, learning how to not self-reject has been a difficult, life-long process that I still struggle with at times.

I’m glad I’ve learned to consistently risk my ego and put myself out there: to submit my work, to approach strangers, to just try. Almost everything good in my life has come from that willingness.