A few weeks ago Kia dropped a huge self-knowledge bomb on my head. Well-meaning, of course. And totally off-the-cuff. But her comment made me understand something profound about myself. And that realization has significantly changed my self-image.

I was complaining about how something I was trying to do was difficult (as I often do). Kia pointed out that almost everything I try to do is difficult. Writing fiction and getting it published, producing music and selling it online, writing good software. None of these things are easy.

Crowded markets, intense competition, middling rewards–these are the hallmarks of the things I choose to do.

Even the things I do for recreation are challenging: improving my chess ELO, collecting every item in Elden Ring, collecting every shiny in Pokemon GO, painting tiny miniatures with very small brushes.

Everything I try to do is…really hard.

Maybe you’re the same way. We push ourselves in different ways. Some people run marathons or lift really heavy weights. I prefer “grindy” challenges where I try over and over again until I get slightly better at what I’m doing, or just get really lucky.

It’s not hard to understand why I enjoy taking on difficult tasks. The struggle and effort are mentally stimulating, and succeeding and/or winning feels good. If the challenge were less, so would be the intrinsic rewards.

But I didn’t fully realize that this was my way. Now, when I felt frustrated with a string of losses or a huge expenditure of effort with little immediate result, I can step back and remind myself “I chose to live this way” (and maybe dial it back a bit, or take a break).

I can be ambitious without feeling trapped by that ambition.