I don’t think I’m a “nice guy.” At least in my adulthood, I’ve gone after what I wanted, looked out for my own needs, and set clear boundaries. But I am naturally friendly and agreeable, and I enjoy working with others cooperatively toward a greater goal. So I’m probably perceived as “nice” by others.
I also try to choose kindness and avoid cruelty, as much as possible, at least in terms of my direct interactions with other human beings (in terms of eating animal products, and not researching the entire supply/labor chain of every product I purchase, there’s room for improvement). Being generally kind probably adds to the impression that I’m a “nice” person.
Right now, in terms of my personal development, I’m actively trying to become more kind, but less nice. The reason for this is simple: to protect my writing time and mental health (see my previous post) while staying true to my core values.
In practice, this means becoming less agreeable, speaking my mind more often, being willing to rock the boat, and defending my time and boundaries even more vigorously.
But it also means trying to become more empathic, freely giving my attention and energy to those who need and deserve it, and exercising compassion whenever I see an opportunity to do so.
It’s a little tricky to do both at once, but nice does not equal kind.
Some insights:
- People don’t know what my needs and boundaries are unless I explicitly state them. But when I communicate those needs and boundaries clearly and consistently, everyone in my life accepts them without question. I need to write at least a couple hours every day, walk at least an hour a day, and so forth. It’s entirely up to me to make those things happen, and to make it clear those activities are non-negotiable. Everyone else will adjust just fine. It helps nobody to put aside my own needs, feel resentful, and then lash out in passive-aggressive ways.
- There have been times in my life when I could afford to be both kind (a core value) and nice/agreeable (not a core value). But my current situation, with increased work demands, isn’t one of them. Being nice and agreeable at this point in my life would lead to resentment, less time for creative pursuits, and higher levels of stress/anxiety/depression.
- There have also been times in my life when my social position or circumstance required me to be more nice/agreeable (starting out in a new field, really needing a job, etc.). That isn’t the case now. But that doesn’t mean I should be any less kind. The opposite in fact; with more power and status I can afford to be more kind, and I should be (because it’s a core value, because it makes me feel good, because it’s the right thing to do, because kindness lifts us all up).